Why Bother

September 15, 2008 at 10:19 am (Uncategorized)
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I am so upset right now that I could spit nails.  Make that fire.  Okay red hot nails.  I got a phone call from my sister this morning saying that my father couldn’t move either of his hands and that he was gray.  Gray skin, gray eyes, gray hair.  I told her to take him to the emergency room.  My father is 57.  That is young.  It keeps getting younger the older that I get.  He has been in pain for more week and he has refused to go to the doctors.  I will tell you the number one reason why.  $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!  He has health insurance.  Through his work.  He has a $1000.00 deductible that to him feels like it may as well be $10,000,000.00 (you get the idea, he and my mom don’t make a whole lot of money).  So finally this morning he broke down in tears in front of my sister and she waited patiently for the clinic to call back while he took a hot shower.  Guess what?  He doesn’t have to worry about the deductible, because the local clinic no longer takes his insurance.  My mother who is on his insurance goes to the clinic.  She is covered.  But since he hasn’t been to the doctors in forever, he would be a “new” patient and they won’t take his insurance.  What a crock of crap.  So now, he can either go to the emergency room which is going to cost him an arm and a leg anyway or fill out all this low income paperwork so that they can put him on a sliding scale, because they won’t accept his insurance.  Needless to say, he is in pain and if I have my way he will be going to the emergency room.  The problem therein lies that I live 4 hours away and have a child in school.  I can’t be of much help, so I am left here crying about the state of our country’s health care system.  I mean really something has got to give.  It is pretty sad when my husband and I are working to support two kids on one salary, me being a part-time workers and full time SAHM, but we would actually be better off if we divorced and I lived of the state.  I mean really what the hell.  What king of message is that sending?  I want desperately to leave this earth a better place for my children and my children’s children, but come on.  GIVE ME A BREAK.

We also have a program in my state to help people out with heating their homes in the winter.  Okay.  Great.  However, one woman who was receiving help to buy wood was not able to buy tree lengths of wood with her monies.  She could buy wood that was cut in to bite size pieces and split and get less wood for more money.  The state feels that since they cannot regulate how much wood you are getting with tree length vs.  cut and split, they are going with cut & split even though more than likely you will still get more wood with buying it in tree lengths if you get ripped off buy the seller.  How does this make sense? How how how?  I guess it is just an example of how one bad apple spoils the bunch.  I feel like banging my head against the wall until I pass out. 

But you know what I believe in this country and I believe in the people of this country.  We have got to stand up and do the right thing.  I am sorry to go on and on and admittedly I am feeling a little beat up.  I just don’t understand why we make it so hard for the little guy to get ahead. 

On a very positive note, I saw a great video of a young man named Dalton this morning at the following blog.  http://maineascd.blogs.com/maine_ascd_weblog/2008/09/do-you-have-a-dalton-in-your-school.html.  All I can say is WOW!!  Way to go Dalton.

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Firsts

September 2, 2008 at 10:17 am (Uncategorized)
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Waiting

WaitingThe Bus

This morning was hard.  For an event which I have had five whole years to prepare, it was like being hit by a truck.  My baby went to all day kindergarten.  He was on his game, he was mostly excited.  When I tried to throw in some handy advice like, the Golden Rule and no spitting on the playground, I got, “MOM I KNOW!!!!” I tried so hard all morning not to lose it, my composure.  I did realtively well.  We were out waiting for the bus for about 40 or so minutes.  Why?  Because we had never done it before.  We had little brother (IJK) and the dog with us while we waited.  I had to put the CAT in the car, because he wouldn’t stay away from the road and he was in full attack mode this morning, jumping on the dog and hanging on for dear life.  Anyway, I waited for the sound of the bus coming down the road.  It seemed to take forever and then when I finally saw it… it was here, he was on it and gone in a nanosecond.  I did well until he took the seat right behind the driver and gave me a huge grin.  I lost it and I am now just thinking about it.  The house is quiet.  It is just the animals, IJR and myself.  There is no screaming, no fighting, no giggling.  So, IJR and I will spend the next couple of weeks getting used to “our time” together.  IKR was 17months old when his baby brother came along and he and I had all that time to ourselves.  IJR and I will get our time now.  We will miss IKR while he is at school.  Maybe he will miss us.  Right now though, my eyes are watching the clock… we have four more hours until that school bus rolls through again.  Next year both boys will be getting on that bus and I will have seven hours of my time back.  For five years these two have been what I did for 24/7.  What an adjustment.  One door closes and another opens.  It seems like I am taking baby steps though and these two are leaping.  What a day.

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Thankful for…

May 21, 2008 at 12:27 pm (Uncategorized)
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Here are the Top 10 things I am thankful for today:

1.  Although I have to pay a fee, my bank honored the checks that I wrote and forgot to record in my register without bouncing them. 

2.  I am thankful I had enough money in my other account to bring my everyday account out of the red into the black.

3.  I am thankful that my dog didn’t kill our neighbors dog last week when she attacked him.  She only caused $300.00 worth of damage and the dog is still alive.

4.  I am thankful that our neighbors didn’t honor the town leash law any more than we did so that we weren’t totally at fault.

5.  I am thankful that I paid off my car last month and now that car payment that I was going to start saving will go to the neighbor’s vet bill.

6.  I am thankful that I sleep very little.

7.  I am thankful that my kids sleep very little, but their very little lasts a little longer than mine does.

8.  I am thankful that there were no bills in my mailbox today.

9.  I am thankful that I have mastered the art of making Alfredo sauce.

10.  I am thankful that although my mother screens her calls, she will pick up when she realizes it is me and that I lost her recipe for bread once again.

PS:  I am very thankful for my family and that my husband loves me despite me being willing to sell his body for a million bucks if offered the chance.

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Walking With Dinosaurs Live for Grandma?

May 12, 2008 at 8:26 am (Uncategorized)
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Only if she is free of any heart condiditons.  Just kidding only the T-Rex was really loud and a bit scary.  I won tickets for my family to go see Walking With Dinosaurs: The Live Experience.  I have a three year old son who is OBSESSED with dinosaurs.  He was in heaven.  My five year old son and my husband were in awe as well.  We had great seats and got to see all of the dinosaurs come out from behind the magic curtain.  The dinosaurs were very realistic looking.  The lighting effects were cool and there were parts of the show where trees sprouted up and flowers grew around the edges of the dinosaur stage.  We had a blast.  One set of dinosaurs, I believe they were the Utahraptors, were so realistic looking running around the stage.  My kids got a kick out of the baby T-Rex.  He played to the audience quite a bit.  Mama T-Rex was another story, she was huge and so loud.  I have never seen my child’s eyes get that big!!!  There was lots of movement from the dinosaurs.  The man playing the part of the paleontologist held my children’s attention, which is quite a feat in and of itself.  My youngest kept calling him Nigel Marvin, who, if any of you have seen Prehistoric Park, like we have eight thousand times, then you know who he is.   It was lots of fun.  We did buy some of the trinkety things they had for sale… mainly those little fiber-optic strobe lights.  That led to fun and adventure on our way home.

I told the boys that they couldn’t have their dinosaur lights in the car on the way home.  Mainly because it was dark and DADDY was driving home.  Yeah right, it was mostly because I am a mother and I don’t want to let my children have any fun.  After several minutes arguing calmly discussing directions to get back home, we got headed on our way, I still couldn’t tell you which direction we were going in, that is why my husband was driving home.  Enter a small, soft, cute voice from the back seat, “Moma, mommy mommy, I hafta go pee…” this is from our three year old who currently is in the middle of pooping daily in his undies potty training.  I said quietly, “Can you just wait a few minutes?”  A few minutes ticked by… “I still hafta pee…”  Which began the, “He is three, just pull over to the side of the rod and he can go beside the car,” debate.  I was for it, dad was against it.  So, we pulled off the highway in the middle of nowhere and my husband took a right and began driving down the road.  Towards what you may ask… I have no idea, but we drove for about 5 minutes in the dark night on a road in New Hampshire that lead to who knows where.  Finally I said “Just pull over.”  By this time the voice in the back seat was no longer soft or cute sounding.  So, we first turned off the main road down a road lined with homes, then turned around in someone’s driveway, which probably woke the whole house due to the fact it was late at night and they might have a dog like ours who barks at everything, then we finally pulled off the side of the road.  My husband got our son out of the car seat and took him around the back of the car to pee.  Meanwhile unbenknowst to me, our five year old had gotten his hot little hands on one of the dinosaur lights.  They were quite bright, flashing red and blue with one push of the button, green with another push, you get the idea.  The three year old got back in his car seat safely.  As my husband was getting into the car a set of headlights appeared in the distance behind us.  All of a sudden, lights were flashing and my husband stepped on the gas hard enough to launch us forward quite suddenly.  At this point I turned to him and screamed asked what are you doing???  while simultaneously watching our five year old wave his dinosaur light in the back seat.  My husband thought the flashing lights were from a cop car.  I have no idea why we were trying to outrun the cops on a residential street,in New Hampshire, at 9:30 at night.  Needless to say, the lights went into my purse.  No more fun and games that night. 

Which leads me to this, my parents, the grandparents of my children, sometimes are at a loss as to what to get for two little boys who has a mother who buys them stuff nonstop.  I thought that this would be a great show to take the kids to.  Gram and Gramp get some quality time with the kiddos and my hubby and I could go out to dinner at a restaurant that serves food on real pates and uses silverware.  For other great ideas of what grandparents can do for gift giving check out this website,  http://www.grandkidsgiftguide.com mentioned at http://blog.parentbloggers.com.  It has lots of great ideas, which can take a lot of stress off the grandparents.  Plus, my mother-in-law will no longer have to watch for those checks to clear that she sends that I never seem to get to the bank.  I am afraid it would just be a bad version of that Seinfeld episode, where he cashes all his grandmothers checks at once.  Argh!

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Change Your Life Challenge Day 10

January 17, 2008 at 9:15 am (Uncategorized)
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Ok, ok, ok… I bought this program last July thinking it would revolutionize my world, but alas, I didn’t finish it.  So at the start of this new year, I picked it up again.  Maybe if I write about it, I will be more motivated to finish it. 

Today I have a little quiz to go through to see how I am doing.  I am trying hard not to beat myself up because although I started this program for the second time on January, 4th, although it is true that it is now January 17th, the fact that I am on day 10 doesn’t quite add up.  But, on the same token I am still plugging away and I am not too far off.  The program does allow for weekends off. 

So how did I do on my quiz?  I got 6 points out of a possible 8.  Hmmm.  75%.  Not so hot.  Today is all about procrastination and that may as well be my middle name.  What is wrong with that last 25% of me who refuses to commit, who rebels against authority, who won’t write her nightly reflections?  I think there is a little voice inside me that is telling me that I may not be happy with who I am now, but what if I finish something and find that it too doesn’t meet my expectations.  I have one reason for my PROCRASTINATION:  I am a perfectionist.  I am going to lay it all out here on the line, here goes:

Reasons I procrastinate:

My number one reason for procrastinating is that I have a Martha Stewart mindset and I live in an ordinary world.  I am a perfectionist.  Most people who hear me say that would laugh.  But it is my number one hindrance.  I have difficulty getting over myself.  If I cannot do something the way I have it played out in my head, then I cannot do it at all.   My perfectionism keeps me from scrap-booking, quilting, writing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, decorating I could go on and on and on.  It keeps me from enjoying life because when I do do something it is all thrown together at the last minute because I have procrastinated, waiting for the sun, moon and stars to come into alignment to get that “something” done perfectly. 

My solution is two part.  First I need to retrain myself.  I have been living like this for the past twenty years and now I think I have become accustomed to the reactions produced by my system, the rush that the stress of getting something done at the last minute causes.  I will do this by sticking to my three action items and by making these items things that are attainable in my daily life.  Not things that would require a superhero to get done in a day.  I will feel good about myself for accomplishing even those three things daily, because they will be totally completed.  I will build from there and I will be patient with myself.  Rome wasn’t built in a day. 

I need to find a mantra to use to get myself refocused and back on track and I need to take 10 minutes absolutely to myself to regroup and refocus.  This is something that will make me a better, person, wife and mother.  I need to accept the fact that my quirks make me who I am.  I will never be Martha Stewart and down deep I wouldn’t want to be.  But I do want to be a better new improved version of me.  I can be that. 

All I can think of is some country song where Brad Paisley is talking about his wife trying to be perfect and how boring that would be.  Maybe I will sing that to myself every time I am feeling frazzled.  Or maybe the Laurie Berkner song that my kids listen to on Noggin, “I’m not perfect, no I am not.  I’m not perfect, but I like what I’ve got, I do my very best, I do my very best, I do very best each day.  But I am’ not perfect, and you know I like it that way.”  See… now I am looking for the perfect mantra.  So it will be, “I would rather be human than perfect.”

I’ve thought about all my other reasons for procrastinating, but they all come back to this.  I am trying to be a perfect mother, wife, woman, sister, daughter, step-mother.  It is my inability to see that being perfect is unattainable, but being a good mother isn’t.  So here is my story.  I am not perfect and that is okay.  I would rather be good at a bunch of things then try to be perfect at one. 

Go Me!

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Fa La La La La Bah Humbug

December 21, 2007 at 10:56 am (Uncategorized)
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Christmas, Christmas time is here, time for joy and time for cheer.  I am missing the Christmas spirit.  It may be sitting at the bottom of the pile of Christmas cards I have not yet sent.  Or beneath the huge pile of credit card receipts I have racked up trying to provide the ultimate Christmas.  The anxiety that I feel about Christmas ever year seems to grow worse and worse.  Why?  My children don’t particularly make me feel it nor does my husband.  But, nonetheless, I feel it.  I have Christmas shopping nearly done.  I have to get my step-son his big gift and stocking stuffers all around.  My parents are coming for Christmas this year.  Which is nice.  It is too difficult to travel with kiddos at this time of year.  I am glad they are coming to my house.  I have them covered with presents as well. 

 One of the main reasons that I get stressed is because of my step-son.  He often has stated in Christmas’ past that he doesn’t get enough for Christmas.  This year he wanted some computerized screen to put in his room.  I cannot remember what it is called an I-screen???  Yeah okay, that is carrying a price tag of $1000.00 plus buckaroonies.  Not happening.  Not at this house anyway.  This child has Christmas at three places, if not more.  Here, his mothers and various grandparents.  He gets more than enough.  Plus he is older than the two kiddos that are here with me all the time, my other children.  The difference in price between things for pre-schoolers and things for teenagers is amazing.  But it looks like the little kids get more and I am stressed about this.  I am not showing favoritism.  I spent on each of them the same amount down to within $20.00 or so dollars.  But, I can almost assure you that this is not going to fly.  So that is why I am throwing up my hands at Christmas.

 His mom and his step-dad both have incomes and combined they are probably making in the six-figure range.  He is the only child at that house.  His dad and I have one income and he is one of three kids at this house.  I thought that things would be going smoothly this year due to the fact that he wanted to spend Christmas with his mom.  His step-dad is away on business, however, his mom says he has to come here she is too busy.  Which in itself is sad.  I just feel bad for him.  I know why he acts the way he does at times.  But what is a lowly step-parent to do.  I am not his mother or his father.  I love him and he is a good kid.  Anywho… that is one of the causes of my stress.

But I could have an illness or something else to deal with so it really isn’t that bad.  My mother wants to spend Christmas with me and I am thankful for that.  Maybe writing has gotten a little of this off my chest so that I have a little room for some Christmas cheer. 

I did end up getting my washing machine fixed, but my sewing machine is still being held hostage by the people whom I took it to to be fixed back in August. 

Is there anything else worth writing about?  Yes, but I will have  to do it later.  I have to go grocery shopping and to the bank.  Two of my least favorite things.  Please have happy holidays and enjoy!!

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The Art of Waiting

November 24, 2007 at 3:15 pm (Uncategorized)
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I am not a patient person.  I am however a slightly neurotic one.  I have two young boys.   I have a husband who owns a construction business.  I have a little laundry to do.  Ha.  I have a extra capacity Kenmore Oasis washing machine that I love.  However, it has decided to spring a weird noise on me when it revs up to spin out our clothes.  Hmmm.  I bought an extended warranty due to the fact I have two boys and a husband.  I called up and got an appointment.  I was told they would be here today(SATURDAY???).  I thought coming out on a Saturday was a little weird, but okay.  I got my confirmation call last night, or at least my husband did.  I was ready at 8:00 am, because that is when the service person could possibly be at my door.  Somewhere between 8:00 am and 5:00 pm.  Does anyone there scheduling an appointment realize what damage can be done to a clean house between those hours with two little heathens boys on site?  Anyone, anyone?  So I have been here waiting, because I was told if the service person was to call and I was to not answer, he/she would take it that I wasn’t home.  It is now 3:00pm and the countdown is on.  Will the washing machine get repaired today?  Or will I be on the phone Monday morning trying to get someone to tell me why the repair person was a no show?  The suspense is killing me.

This also leads into the story about my sewing machine  being held hostage at a repair place.  I was told that they had the part and that it would be fixed and that it would only cost me $100.  Ok, I said go ahead.  That was 3 and a half months ago.  I have called the repair shop four times now.  Each time getting a different story.  First the part was there and I was next in line.  Then I left a message which no one returned.  Next the part wasn’t there, they must be waiting for it and then finally someone told me that they weren’t sure where my machine was- they couldn’t see it.  I was then put on hold and a more authoritative voice came on the line and told me that she would get back to me on Thursday.  That was a week ago and I have not heard from them again.  Wait I lied, they sent me a flier to come to the shop and look at new sewing machines that were on sale for the holidays.  Anyway… if you see a Brother CS-8060 wandering the streets.  Take him home with you and let me know, I’ll come get him or pay for his trip home.  GOD!!!  I am calling the BBB.

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Megan Meier Tradgedy

November 19, 2007 at 3:46 pm (Uncategorized)
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I saw this briefly on the Today show yesterday and it must have caused a big enough stink to warrant another interview with the deceased girl’s family this morning.  This whole situation is tragic.  That no charges can be pressed is horrific.  That another mother did this to see if this young girl, Megan, was talking behind her daughter’s back is reprehensible.  What the hell is wrong with people?  I can’t express how awful I feel for this family and for their loss.  Read the story at msnbc.com for more information.  I can’t believe that the mother who did this is giving Megan’s parents grief about going public.  TOUGH CRAP.  To quote Robert Plant, from a song on Raising Sand, “Remember baby, you gotta reap just what you sow.” Obviously, if this other woman is upset about Megan’s parents going public, she must know in her heart that what she did was WRONG!

Other than that my day has been great.  Started off with a trip to the vet’s with my cat who was bleeding.  Come to find out he has a UTI and an abscess on the base of his tail from where another one of my cats attacked him a few weeks ago.  Ahhhhhhhh!  Figured it was a UTI, but had no idea that he had an abscess so I felt awful.  He also needs to go on a diet and lose 4 lbs.  I am not sure how that would translate to human pounds, but I do know that right now I have a very unhappy kitty.  Maybe he and I can start the treadmill thing together.  Seeing as though it is still acting as a clothesrack.  I am now wondering what to do about Thanksgiving.  We are supposed to be traveling to my in-laws house for dinner, which is 4 hours away.  However, I have to give Chester two pills a day for two weeks and I cannot let him go without meds.  Not happening.  I have had a UTI before and I refuse to put anything through that pain.   I am wondering if my handsome husband is going to venture forth with the family sans me to go North.  I have been with both of my boys 24/7 for 4 plus years.  No breaks.  Never away from them overnight.  But I am having delusions of grandeur thinking that perhaps I would have a couple of days by myself to read, sleep, clean, write, quilt and go to the bathroom uninterrupted.  Isn’t that awful?  What a mother.  I love them more than life, which is probably why I don’t have one right now.  I would be thankful for a little break. 

Other than that I have been filling out unemployment info and worker’s comp stuff for my husband’s business.  Deadbeat employees really blow.  They create so much paperwork.  I don’t get paid enough to fill it all out.  Anyhow, that is how things are going today at this house.  Hope all is well with you. 

I’ve written 500 words!

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Starting again

November 12, 2007 at 9:13 am (Uncategorized)
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It is Monday again.  Mondays start out for me full of stress.  My 3 year old son was born with a cleft-lip.  Totally unexpected, he hid his face in all of his ultrasounds, but as a family, we have dealt with it rather well.  He has had two operations to repair the lip and will be looking at a couple more in the future.  One of those will deal with him being hospitalized for surgery which will consist of a bone graft. The specialists all tell me that of all the surgeries he has had or will have, this one will be the easiest.  I get the willies just thinking about it.  He had both of his previous surgeries before he could walk or talk.  He doesn’t even remember them.  This next one between the ages of 6 and 9 he will remember.  I am not looking forward to it. 

Anyway, here at the house, Monday means that the speech therapist will be coming.  Which means that I have oodles of Thomas the Train crap stuff and dinosaurs to pick up in the living room so that there will be at least one clean room in which to host the ST.  Stressor number two is getting the living room to stay cleaned up until the ST gets here.  Stressor number three is knowing that this Monday in particular is the one is which I have chosen to take my life back.  I have spent four years just ambling through doing whatever.  Taking care of my kids, but not myself.  What has that lead to?  Me being overweight, miserable and moody.  So, my journey to myself begins.  I think that I am so afraid of what I might find that I have been putting it off.  That and the thought of exercising makes me tired.  So, that $600.00 catch all in my room a.k.a. the treadmill, will be used. Okay yeah, right now it is being used, to hold wet towels after a shower and the yoga brick and mat I bought five months ago and have used three times.  I will get myself on there today.  But it will have to be after I go buy some new shoelaces for my sneakers.  What happened to the shoelaces you might ask?  That is another story. 

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Hello World

November 9, 2007 at 5:04 pm (Uncategorized)
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This is a little intimidating.  staring at a blank computer screen is a little bit worse than staring at a blank piece of paper.  I should say a little about myself, wait my 4 year old is coughing up a lung.  Okay crisis averted, he was teasing the cat.  Okay, so I am a mother, wait my 3 year old is trying to get my attention.  It never seems to amaze me how many times in a row he can say mom, mommy, momma.  Which is his latest and greatest way of addressing me.  Okay I live in Maine with two kiddos (full time), one step-kiddo (part time), one husband, one dog, and three cats.  I am a non-functioning perfectionist.  I quilt, I read and the better part of my day is spent saying, “Because I said so…”.  Obviously, my kiddos haven’t caught on to the fact that I do rule the world.  (At least the little world they revolve around in.)

My husband is a carpenter that just ventured out on his own and I keep the books for his company.  I keep them on my desk under a pile paperwork I haven’t filed yet.  I can’t find the pen I used to write on the file folders I have already created and God forbid the tabs have different color ink on them.  That goes back to me being a non-functioning perfectionist.  I am off the run errands now so we’ll see how this goes as I journey through life at an anonymous pace. 

I’ll check in later, when my brain has had a bit more coffee.

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